A couple years ago John and I were asked to write a note to a cousin who was getting married. I was looking through computer files and ran across it. It's a good reminder for me and might be encouraging for others, too!
John and I feel very blessed to have had two (now four!) really good years of marriage. We entered things pretty cautiously because so many people talked about how bad the first year can be. Turns out, the first year was good... and year two was even better. John and I have enjoyed reflecting on our 4+ years and trying to sort out what we’ve done to make things work for us. It’s definitely taken work, but it’s definitely been worth it all. Here's what we've learned:
Look for opportunities to keep communication lines open. For us that’s meant taking a financial class at church, going for a walk or run together, and praying together in the mornings. It also helps to try see things from each other’s perspective and to trust that he/she wants what is best for the marriage.
Before you take anything personally, figure out if it’s supposed to be taken personally. Sometimes a bad day at work or a hungry belly can translate into a short response. Respect your partner’s need for down time and space.
John’s advice was to be realistic. You will get frustrated with each other at times, but that’s all part of it. Communication helps here, but (more importantly) love covers a multitude of sins (and quirks, and annoying habits). It’s also helpful to remind yourself often that your spouse is gift to be cherished and appreciated for who he/she is and who he/she is becoming, not a project to be changed into what you think he/she needs to be.
It’s also important not to rely on your partner to meet every emotional need. We are dedicated to seeking God as individuals and individually finding security in who we are in Christ through personal prayer and Bible study. I think that puts us in the position to us to be able to emotionally give to each other instead of relying on each other to fulfill every need.
If there are things you are particular about that the other person doesn’t find important (keeping the dishes out of the sink, making the bed), make those things your responsibility and do them joyfully. On the other hand, honor your spouse by doing little things that you know will make life easier or a little more enjoyable for him/her (like putting down the toilet seat and squeezing the toothpaste out of the tube a certain way.)
Each day you will understand more and more what it means to love. It requires lots of sacrifice and selflessness. That’s probably the hardest part. It’s not just you anymore; the two of you become one when you marry. You have to make decisions based on what’s best for the marriage relationship, which isn’t necessarily what you’d decide if you were still just an individual. After just four years of learning how to sacrifice and be selfless, our love is so much deeper than it was on our wedding day. The more you invest and work at it, the deeper it grows. Compliment the positive, let your spouse know when you’re proud of him/her, and tell him/her how much you’re in love every day.
Finally, enjoy the journey. We are certainly enjoying ours!
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